Outgoing & Shy Personalities in Relationships | Our Everyday Life
Many are rather shy and reserved to certain degrees. on lifestyle, writing and relationship topics and is a published author of inspirational. Outgoing & Shy Personalities in Relationships He is the author of nine published books on topics such as history, martial arts, poetry and fantasy fiction. Here are 5 things extroverts can consider when dating introverts (or hoping to): “I am trying to respect my partner's need for solitude (or less socializing or quiet time). But maybe if you ask some questions, you'll start figuring out the middle.
Some extroverts can be loud talkers and love having their voices heard. From a professional level, extroverts can be good leaders and can manage people well.
They perform nicely as salespeople, politicians, teachers and advisers — anywhere they can interact with others. Dating one can be both good and bad, depending on their degree level, because they can become rather needy and require lots of devoted attention.
When conflicts arise and you want to resolve them quickly, good luck. Introverts need time to process information before responding. On the other hand, introverts save their words for things that are personally important and like talking one on one because in-person conversations are much more meaningful. Quiet moments together can mean time to develop intimacyyet needed periods apart provide opportunities to spend with friends or yourself.
Remember extroverts feed off being around lots of people and can exude confidence on the outside but not so much on the inside.
Would they quickly get bored or be able to adapt to unfamiliar surroundings? And how about resolving conflicts? I have a lot of hobbies and close friends I enjoy, and I like arranging my life so that I have quiet time to think and dream and do the things I like. If I don't get time to do those things on a regular basis, I start to feel overstimulated and stressed out. More than that, I just don't value the sorts of vapid, shallow conversations that people have at big parties full of strangers.
I prefer to spend time with a few close friends with whom I can be myself and have deep relationships, even if a lot of our interaction takes place virtually. I am not willing to give up my rich inner life to spend more time making small talk with strangers.
Outgoing & Shy Personalities in Relationships
My boyfriend is an extrovert. He doesn't like being alone with his thoughts. He needs constant noise and stimulation to function. Frankly, I think he's afraid of silence and being alone because it forces him to confront his own feelings and thoughts, and he'd rather be distracted so that he doesn't have to think deeply about things.
He's not opposed to quiet dinners with just a few people sometimes, but he insists on constantly distracting himself from the things that really matter by pursuing noise and activity and shallow small talk with people whom he doesn't really let get to know him. I worry that he's incapable of building a close relationship because he's gotten so used to shallow acquaintances that he rotates through constantly as he gets bored of them.
He almost never wants to sit at home quietly with me so that we can enjoy being alone together, and I worry that his constant need for distraction is preventing us from really having the sort of close relationship I want. Ideally, I'd have a mate who is as introspective as I am, or at least not such an extrovert. He'd have his own rich inner life, and we could enjoy spending time alone together without needing to be distracted by activity.
I realize that I'm a bit of an oddball and I'm lucky to have found him, but I'm afraid that we'll never be as close as I'd like because of his constant need to find new strangers to talk to.
About a week ago, he dragged me to yet another room full of strangers, then abandoned me to go talk to people he didn't know. I didn't really have much to say and was feeling overwhelmed, so I was pretty quiet.
Afterwards, he confronted me and told me that I made the situation awkward for him by not being louder and more exciting. He didn't want to accept that it takes me a while to warm up to people and that these stranger-courting skills he takes for granted are out of my comfort zone. He told me that shyness is a negative personality trait and that I should work to overcome it.
He thinks I have a mental illness social anxiety because I enjoy really getting to know people instead of making vapid small talk in a huge, loud room. The thing is, I don't really want to become like him.
I'm happy to have him go off and do his own thing, but I get the sense that he doesn't actually like my personality because I'm not as flashy and exciting as he wants me to be.
I also suspect that he might be pretty shallow, and I'm not sure whether someone who feels the need to constantly seek out new experiences can ever actually commit to a long-term relationship with just one person. So, should I break up with him? Do you see what I did there?
I described her personality traits in a positive way and yours negatively deep and thoughtful rather than flashy and loud. I made assumptions about your mental health based on your superficial behavior he must be shallow and afraid to share his feelings because he has so many acquaintances and scorns the desire for a few close friendships. Basically, I did the reverse of what you've been doing to her.
Shy or Outgoing? The Challenges With Dating Your Opposite
I'm not saying that she feels the way I've described. I'm saying that you're being deeply unfair to her, and just as it's not okay for me to do that to you, it's not okay for you to do that to other people. The two of you are different, and that's okay. What's not okay is your view that your way of doing things is the right way and hers is the wrong way.
You say that you're "absolutely unwilling to change" your desire for constant stimulation from other people and that you want her to "overcome" her "mostly-negative" desire for quiet time free of social activity.
That's not a sustainable relationship. You need to decide whether you can love her actual personality rather than the hypothetical personality you think she should work towards having. Both sides have to view this as a problem, want to fix it and make and effort to do so. Two nights a week go be extroverted. Two nights you go be introverted. Two nights a week go solo with friends. Flip for the seventh. Like any couple problem, you work together on it and find a compromise that pleases you both.
Shy or Outgoing? The Challenges With Dating Your Opposite
I think if you are out having a solo social life, and simultaneously you think of her shyness as something that bothers you, you might end up cheating at some point. As an introverted female, when I've dated extroverted guys it often ended up that way. I didn't want to go out to bars and parties, they did, and they ended up meeting other girls who were more like them.
I ended up an introverted guy for this reason. Don't settle for someone who doesn't have the basic things that are important to you. It's not fair to you or her. If this problem was something that could be overcome, you'd appear more concerned about how she's feeling in a social setting. I'm an introvert with an extroverted spouse and though he thrives on being around people, he also cares deeply for how I'm doing and puts his need to socialize on the backburner if he's worried that I'm uncomfortable.
I do my best to socialize if it appears to make him happy, and he does his best to tone it back if it appears to make me happy. However, just remember you may not be a social butterfly forever. What are your ages? Values regarding friends and social activities can change dramatically. Personally, I became much more of a homebody over the years. When we go to events or social occasions, I make a big effort to introduce him to people, point out similar interests, etc. He's not going to tell jokes to 40 people at once, but he does start chatting--he doesn't sit there, waiting for me to carry the whole social load.
While we didn't make an explicit deal about this, it's worked out over the years. It would be ungracious of him to be stone silent, and it would be rude of me to leave him to fend for himself. It's got to be a team effort. I forgot that if you ask people for advice, they'll often tell you to quit your job, leave your girlfriend, start a new business, and travel the world. Because they don't have to deal with any of the consequences.
Maybe this question is unbalanced a bit. Anyway, if I could request anything of future commenters, I'd say maybe a little less of "you sound like a jerk, break up with her", and maybe a little more of "I was in this situation and we did this" And please do realize that I love this woman. I really do not want to break up with her.
My husband is extremely introverted. We've been together for sixteen and a half years. The most important thing I can tell you right now is to absolutely ruthlessly root out any sense that shyness or introversion is a character flaw or something to be overcome.
It is a fundamental part of who your partner is. If you can't or are unwilling to love this part of her as much as you love the rest of her, you need to move on, because nobody wants to be in a relationship with someone who is waiting for them to get over their personality.
If you stay with this person, then a major part of your relationship is going to be you going out while she stays home, and you entertaining friends in the living room while she reads a book in the bedroom. Examples are illustrative, not predictive. This is not because she is uncomfortable and resentful, it is because that's what she wants to be doing and it makes her happy. If you need someone who is going to be happy going out with you and doing the things that you do, then this woman is not that person, and expecting her to be will only lead to heartache.
I love my introverted husband. I love him because he's an introvert, not despite it, though. You need to be able to do the same for this to work out. The reason everyone is telling you to break up with her is because you seem to want a different answer than that.
These days I'm with someone who is still much more extroverted than I am, but not to the extent that my ex was, and we do make it work. It takes a good mix of him going out alone sometimes, me sucking it up and being social sometimes, and planning ahead so we both know we're going to a party Friday and I'm therefore going to be drained and not up to socializing the rest of the weekend.
And both of us realizing the other person's thing is not negative or wrong, just a different way of interfacing with the world. If you hadn't framed this with the negative personality trait stuff I'd be heartily encouraging you to keep talking it out and working on compromises. But the way you talk about her makes me hesitant.
Good luck, however this ends up. If you do want to give this relationship a go, this is where to focus your attention. Not on her and why she needs to change or you need to leavebut on you.
With compassionate curiosity, look more deeply into your own reactions. What emotions and stories come up when she is being quiet in a group of your friends? What do those emotions remind you of?
What do you fear will happen? What are you making it mean?
As an extrovert, one of your "character flaws" may be a lack of tendency to look inward, to witness and reflect on your own interior monologue. In other words, you might not know what you think until you hear what you say. I am an extrovert, and this happens to me all the time. Talking with a counselor or a trusted friend can help in this process.
Then accept, without resentment, that she may never be able to fulfill your social expectations without likely a lot of personal stress and emotional upset. Discuss with her everything you've mentioned here and try to reach a compromise.
I don't think you're a jerk, I just think you are perhaps lacking a true understanding of how utterly fucking exhausting it is for introverts to be frequently put into social situations that they find stressful, and then face questioning about their already uncomfortable feelings afterwards.
You obviously have empathy for your girlfriend's situation, so can you try to imagine how awkward it must have been for HER? Although I can tell you what it will tell you, it's really really worth the read. I don't know why I even bother answering these kinds of questions with my own opinion when she has done it so much better.
Things have never worked out between me and an extroverted partner.
I'm getting the "this guy is likely to stray" vibes from you and I really feel that you two should call it quits. After 10 years together, I've learned that if I need to socialize, a lot of that socialization is going to happen without my husband. We have some mutual friends, but I have lots of friends that I see on my own.
She's not gonna change. Is the above something that is okay with you? We do pretty well because--and this is key--my ideal life does not include an extroverted partner. That's the problem here. Not her introversion, but the fact that your ideal life includes a partner who can be a social butterfly with you. I'm sorry this is so hard.
Her experience, mindset, and preferences are valid. She doesn't need fixing. What an extrovert like you needs to do in this situation is think through what you want and be realistic about whether this relationship can be that for you. It's okay if the answer is no. If the answer is yes, you need to figure out how to accept what you view as her limitations and not call her out on them or get upset about them. She has chosen to go with you, to do something you enjoy.
If she was really, truly miserable at an event, I'm assuming she could leave. Give her more permission to be be herself, and don't spend so much time monitoring her social engagement.How to flirt with a SHY GIRL & get her to open up
By all mean, check in with her, make sure you talk to her and stand near her often in a social situation but don't obsess about how much she is talking.
Simply enjoy that she came to the event with you. I'm an introvert who was in a relationship for many years with an extrovert. He always had to be at every party and was always the last person to leave the bar at closing. Trying to keep up with him was exhausting for me. It worked well for a while when I could come and go as I pleased - go home before him and so on.
However, things started to fall apart because he had no interest in the small dinners with friends that I wanted, and he also started to feel that I didn't "support" him enough socially.
On the other hand, I felt like he was a black hole of social need and nothing I did would ever be enough. It all ended badly, with him cheating with late night party girls, as permiechickie points out is a risk. I guess they were more supportive? Learn how to direct the flow of conversation so that she has things to add, or comment on; figure out which of your friends she has the most in common with, attempt to get them talking.
If this means finding people with whom she has things in common, and then essentially starting a conversation for them, do it. I hate when people do this to me. I can get over my shyness once I've become comfortable somewhere or with a certain group of people, but if I'm left to myself right away I will miserable. If she can handle hanging out in small groups, do that more often, or manufacture a situation in which people are more inclined to splinter into groups like this.
I can feel a million kinds of awkward in someone else's home, but if I have people over it's like a base level of comfort that makes it easier to talk and interact. If you always want to be out and about while your partner seems to avoid socializing whenever possible, you might assume your partner is shy and needs help overcoming anxiety in social situations. However, the problem may not be shyness at all, but the basic personality difference between introverts and extroverts.
Introversion and Extroversion Some people prefer to always be where the action is, surrounded by bright lights and sparkling conversation. Others would prefer to stay home with a good book or a video and may even find busy social events to be upsetting and difficult. Extroverts are the opposite of introverts. They find social interactions stimulating, but solitude is difficult for them.