One of the things that makes ending any relationship so difficult is that there will be traces of exactly what you want. Even toxic parents can sometimes be loving, . Distinguishing a parental relationship that needs to be severed from one an internationally renowned therapist and author of “Toxic Parents”. Many people get confused and think their parents or the family they were born . If certain subjects always end in argument, avoid them and keep the 14 Signs You Have a Toxic Mother-in-Law and How to Deal With Her.
His abuse did not stop at her, although with us kids it was mostly verbal and emotional. That was the end for me. I am the black sheep, the outsider. I did not conform like the others. I have never stayed in close touch with any of my siblings and when we visit I feel very much like that outsider.
For example, at a gathering in August my sister had a small cake for my brother whose birthday had just passed and we all sang happy birthday. My birthday was two days later. Having a hard time dealing with this anger. Wish I could express more. Just needed to get some stuff out. I wish you all peace of mind and love.
I always had trouble in school but did graduate with a BS but just by the skin of my teeth. My little bother was the pride and joy and was everything thing my parents wanted but he never finished college. I left for the military and stayed 25 years. I came back home when things were promised but the reneged on. Since my two sisters and him are very close it's like a gang up on me. My brother will contradict anything I say and even insults my military service.
Even when I tried to talk to my parents about the stuff I went through my last 8 years my parents would say "well your brother puts in some long hours too.
I left the area for a year doing contract work in Saudi and came back nothing changed. I am really about to just leave and never contact any of them again. I was estranged from my abusive and mentally ill mother for more than 18 years. She has borderline personality disorder, narcissistic traits, and is something of a grifter.
Most of my extended family would have nothing to do with me after I cut my mother out of my life. She worked hard to turn people against me. She never once tried to see my three children during that time. My older brother, a felon and drug user, wouldn't let me see his children whom I was close to. After he died last year, two of his children, now adults, came back into my life. I also let my mother back into my life as I felt sorry for her.
She's now years-old, and her health is fragile. I figured that she could no longer hurt me. They've brought me nothing but pain. My niece who said she loved me and wanted to be part of my life, really only cared about using me for money.
I told my mother about it in confidence, worried that my niece might have a drug problem, and she abused my trust and carried that info, and likely some embellishments, back to my niece.
My niece suddenly quit speaking to me, breaking my heart. My mother did that on purpose. She has also turned my younger brother's new wife against me. He'd married her a couple of days after meeting her, and I thought that was fishy. I told my mother and she took that information right back to her.
I will never tell her anything again. My husband said that my mother is my worst enemy, and I think he's right. Besides that, I was repeatedly sexually abused by a cousin who's eight years older than me during my childhood. When I told my mother about it when I was 28, she didn't believe me and made excuses for him. I've told other family members, and they too apparently don't believe it or could care less as my abuser is on their Facebook friend list!
Last week, another cousin, whom I'd confided in a couple of years ago about my sexual abuse, invited me to his son's birthday party via Facebook's invitation system. I saw that he had also invited my abuser. I'm now to the point of closing my Facebook account and not having anything to do with any of them.
I just can't deal with the pain any more. I pay rent I buy all my own things. She hates me, they always use me as the scapegoat in their live. All they want from me is money and for me to fail. For about 4 years of her early life I took care of Her and my Brother. Like she was raped, then seen with her attacker a month later. Lying about it until someone else said they seen her and she fessed saying it was her friends that forced her.
I just want to distance myself but the farther she goes the more I blame Myself SK 3 months ago Never knew how I was being treated till I got married, moved far away from home where my visit was not able easily and the thought of me visiting her over time grew hostile inside never knew why until years later why I was feeling angry.
Her controlling behavior, her abusive words, i didn't like it but put up with it because she is my mom. All the things i have done for her even going that extra miles never knowing why then and I was doing it to seek approval and love from her.
I still have bitter feelings from all the flashback memories that trigger now and then. I don't know how to block them out or forget them, they just come to me. She will never apologize, have no remorse, she's the victim in all this not her children. She hasn't even tried to reach out to me or my kids, not a word. That tells me how little she even cares about me or them.
Still now and then I wonder if I am to blame for breaking off ties with her. Rhi 3 months ago Never assume a family estrangement is a simple matter of egos or petty squabbles.
I have encountered many people in support groups online and in person whose choice to cut ties is based on personal safety. Family estrangement is often no different than women leaving abusive boyfriends or husbands. You wouldn't tell a woman: You owe him a relationship!
There is no legal obligation to talk to blood relatives, so don't try to force contact. My parents were emotionally, physically and mentally abusive throughout my childhood and teen years, including an attempt to have me kidnapped and indoctrinated in religion, "cured" of my attraction to men and that's fifteen years before I transitioned.
My "brother" is so violently homophobic and transphobic he would likely kill me, much like the violent assaults he has perpetrated. What, exactly, am I supposed to gain by contacting them? Estranged people I know tell me that meddlers and flying monkeys are among the worst problems.
People assume they are "helping" while acting from ignorance or acting on their own personal biases. So-called "professionals" are among the worst because they are paid to take sides and could have influence in legal matters. Someone who blindly believes "family is everything! Someone who only hears the abusers' side might stupidly give information without permission and endanger someone's privacy, mental health or safety. There are cases of men believing the fictions of abusive ex-husbands and stalkers "my wife won't let me see my kids!
I'm sure that some estrangements are just minor arguments that got blown out of proportion. But don't arrogantly or ignorantly assume that accounts for the majority. Even if there is no estrangement someone wants to "go native" and cut all ties from their pastit must be respected. JK 3 months ago I have 2 sisters, I'm the middle child. Always responsible with money, never in any trouble, closer to our parents. After our parents passed away about 9 and 10 years ago, there were behaviors about the estate that ended up with me cutting ties with my younger sister.
She's a horrible person and I just decided that now that our parents are gone I don't have to put up with her hateful and abusive treatement.
My older sister was also really nasty to me but seemed to be remorseful in the end. I've always been closer to my older sister even though I've put up with a lot. She is single divorced and has no children. She is intelligent, but has no common sense and I have realized recently at age 64 that she is probably a narcissist.
I've been married over 40 years, we have 2 grown daughters that are pretty great grownups and a couple of grandchildren. Both our daughters and my husband are encouraging me to cut ties or at least drastically limit my interaction with her. Lately she has taken in the younger sister out of a fantasy of being her saviour and the reality hit pretty quick and I've been getting calls and texts on how miserable she is with her at her house etc.
She criticizes and shames me for not wanting anything to do with the younger sister at the same time she's telling me all the terrlible things she says to her and is regretting having her come stay. After a recent altercation not having to do with younger sister, and her typical nasty texting and accusations made up only to inflict pain and sound superior, I really want to cut ties. I haven't spoken to her or heard from her in a week. I know eventually something will happen, and she will call or something and decide she'll act like nothing happened and expect me to act that way as well.
That ain't happening again. I've seen the light. I just wish that I felt better about it. I don't know why I can't have a family of origin that is normal and cares about each other unconditionally. I guess that's MY fantasy. SarahWilliams 3 months ago I was a band-aid baby, created via alternative means, to heal my parents broken failing marriage. Instead of being angry with each other, they turned their anger on me.
My father wanted to give me up the day I came home from the hospital. He didn't want to raise me. My mother refused to get rid of me, so he was blamed me, literally, for everything that went wrong, ever. They then had my sister, who was their true biological child. She became the golden child and I became the permanent scapegoat, the whipping boy.
They even imposed horrible punishments on me for very minor offenses, as a way of being an "example" for my sister, so they wouldn't have to punish her. My father told me constantly how much he hated me, how he wished I had never been born, and how his life would have been better without me. My mother encouraged this, because she said it was better he take his anger out on me, than her. He was controlling and mistreated me in countless ways, every day. He believed this was his right, for being forced to support a child he didn't want.
When I became parent myself, he tried to control everything I did with my children, medical decisions, educational decisions, dietary decisions, vacation decisions, and even where I decided to live. I attempted to set boundaries, rules of behavior etc and demand respect. When I was 37 years old I discovered my mother had taken a inheritance left to me by a relative. She said I owed my parents, for the fact that they had fed me and clothed and sheltered when they didn't want to. Then my father began to demand time alone with my children so "they could get to know him", which I refused.
Both parents have still refused to tell me who my real biological father was. I finally reached the conclusion that I was wanted by my parents; I was the thing they could mistreat, control, and bully and blame, instead of addressing their real problems and the real dysfunction in their relationship.
I served a purpose, which is why they tried to maintain complete and utter control. They have called me "hateful" and "ungrateful" to anyone who is willing to listen.
I hate being estranged from the very people who are supposed to love and care about me the most, but I don't miss their treatment. I do really believe I am stopping an bad cycle.
Emilyfitzgerald 4 months ago I have given my mother so many chances to be a part of my and my childrens' lives. Countless DCF calls and police showing up at my home because she doesnt like my boyfriend.
I have tried; offerring family counseling, letting her see the grandkids, etc. Its just not worth my sanity any longer So sad 4 months ago I am an adult with college age kids. I have always been close to my parents. Recently, I learned that my father is secretly a monster.
When and How to Cut the Ties of Bad Family Relationships
He sexually abused my children for years. My whole family has imploded. I feel so betrayed by her. Filled with bottomless grief. Have cut all contact with him but now think I must with her as well.
I want nothing more to do with her. Vicki 4 months ago It is ending today. Parents who carry a promise of love and care, while at the same time mistreat their child, are called toxic parents. Almost all toxic parents say they love their children, and they usually also mean it. But love involves much more than just expressed feelings. Real love towards children is also a way of behaving.
What toxic parents call love rarely comes up as nourishing, comforting, encouraging, respectful, valued, and acceptable behavior.
Toxic Parents: 10 Signs You Had Them And How to Break the Cycle | Fairygodboss
Toxic parents usually do extremely unloving things in the name of love. The toxic system is thus not something that toxic parents invent, but rather a result of the accumulated feelings, rules, interactions, and that have been handed down from ancestor to ancestor. Repetition compulsion Rage outlets The abused become the abuser "Knowing that is definitely not an excuse for your toxic parents, but it is a good thing to know — especially to understand the bigger picture, but even more to not continue toxic behavior with your own children and other important relationships in your life," he adds.
Resolve not to be the parent you had as a child. Actively seek counseling to heal your inner child. Model the person you want your children to be like. This was my biggest concern and I decided at that moment that since I did not know what a healthy mother-child relationship looked like, that I was going to fake it until I made it.
I would model all the behaviors I would have liked to see in my mother. Modeling was my only weapon in this war called parenting and, damn it, I was going to win! How to Model Good Behavior Modeling behavior is nothing new. Umpteen books, blogs, and braggarts claim to have mastered the art, but I would wager most of them are full of "diaper contents. I have read countless books. Yes, I have stooped to that level because everyone knows that all is fair in love, war, and parenting!
As I suspected, the double-standard was running amok in every household. The most common modus operandi was "Do as I say, not as I do. There is no room for hypocrisy or double standards here. If you want your child to make their beds, you have to make yours.
If you want your child to take the higher road in a conflict, they have to see you do the same. Imagine yourself at the same age as your child and think about what you would have liked at that moment. Did you need a hug, a sounding board or just a shoulder to cry on? Think about how you felt and then approach your child with the understanding, love, and compassion you wish you had received. Keep your inner child in your thoughts constantly; he or she will guide the way.
If you want your child to be well-rounded, you have to model well-roundedness always.
If you want your child to succeed in life, you have to model success. Being successful in life means being happy and being happy is a state of mind, an attitude, and a confidence that no matter what life throws at you, your foundation will always be there to support you. How do you model kindness? Being kind to others is easy, but how kind are you to yourself? If you have, then you are not modeling kindness. Children watch how we handle ourselves, and if we are that harsh with ourselves, they will do the same.
Modeling Well-Roundedness What about well-roundedness? Being well-rounded is not just about having a varied educational background.
When and How to Cut the Ties of Bad Family Relationships | WeHaveKids
It's about being balanced, and your work-life balance should be your top priority. Even if you work long hours you can still be balanced by really showing up in those moments away from work.
Well-roundedness means taking the time to nurture all of your relationships. Your children need to see their relationship with you as your priority. A Final Note Parenting is challenging to say the least, and parenting without the blueprint of a healthy and nurturing childhood is even more difficult, but don't lose faith.