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A Grief Support Blog
We believe that they knew how we felt and that we were understood. When a loved one dies we may be overwhelmed with conflicting feelings, we may feel disoriented and confused, and we may feel robbed of one last chance to say "I love you" and "goodbye. We need to discover those unsaid things and say them. The appropriate methods for communicating the unsaid things are detailed in The Grief Recovery Handbook. What happens when a "less than loved one" dies? Perhaps a parent or a sibling, someone with whom we should have had a more loving relationship.
We are almost always incomplete when a "less than loved one" dies. Almost always we are left with the awareness that our hopes and dreams of someday having the difficult relationship be pleasant and happy have ended. Even if our hope is simply not to be tormented anymore, the death often exaggerates the torment rather than diminishing it. That is when many of us report being "ruled from the grave.
Happily, this is not true, or they would have to stay incomplete forever. The Grief Recovery Method helps grievers identify and complete the undelivered emotional communications that keep them tied to past painful experiences with people who have died or with relationships that have ended or changed. This process obviously does not require that the person we are incomplete with be a living or willing participant. Often our attempts to communicate with our "less than loved ones" failed, not because of our unwillingness, but because the other person was unable to listen to or talk about the things that we wanted and needed to talk about.
Quite often our attempts to communicate started new and larger battles which may have been added to our list of unfinished or incomplete emotional events with them. October 13, at 5: Our 27th anniversary was less than a month away from my first D day. I say first, because, while his was not an EA, I was told that there were multiple affairs that started with illicit massages 20 years before.
I just knew that our 27th meant nothing to me and I told him so. Then as a sign, the diamond of my ring fell out of my wedding ring. I also had a terrible time sleeping and shutting down my thoughts, so would go out to the office in back and pour over the internet trying to figure out what happened, what I should do, whether I should stay, why would my H stay, and was mostly terrified.
How does that sound? I know… Now, there were many other D days after that, but not of new Affairs, but of me finding out new aspects of his past infidelity that I am sure he NEVER meant for me to know. It took him several months to close everything down, but I believe him when he says there was no sex or enjoyment, just desperately trying to make sure there would be no repercussions for him or us in the future.
That was hard for me to buy, but after reading about the withdrawls of a WS today, suddenly, his demeanor during that time makes sense — hot and cold. He had built an entire other life that I found out in the ensuing months that had become a place to go and forget about how angry and hurt he felt from a desperate childhood and with a persona that had been carefully constructed for the world since he was probably 8 years old.
He had to build new routines and healthier ways to cope. He pretty much had to change his whole reality. The detachment was the only thing that might have given him away, and because I was so happy to have met him and married him — and thought of him as my best friend — I never saw it.
Well, his secret world began to unravel, and I believe God helped to put the evidence in my lap and gave me the clarity to see it for what it was. Each time I came upon something new he would come clean.
It took about 9 months for me to get the whole picture. I gave them a little advice about dating a man twice their age who always met at Starbucks or a hotel room and never shared any personal information, gave them money when they said they needed it, took them on business trips, even new breasts for one blah, blah, blah — which made ME feel better.
In return I heard their whiney voices say that they did as told and stopped calling. I verified that with the phone records and other sources. My H also had put us into deep debt with his infidelities and trappings, which was another form of D day! I reveal all this to tell you that my life was pretty hellish for that first year. Triggers were intense for another, at least.
But, there was lots of movement on his part to change. We both attribute most of our marital success because of what we learned and committed to after watching that program for months we taped it and watched it together. He found a faith and place to go when he needed solace, and learned to forgive.
He also took the lead in our relationship to put God first, and we both rely on the Holy Spirit to work within us, despite our failings. What a difference that has made in both of our lives and in our marriage. It took me a bit longer to get there and it will be a life long journey for both of us, but we have a beacon that guides us every day that we had ignored too often prior to D day.
We do find joy these days and have really started laughing together again. Did he like to spend money… Now we work the finances together and he is even more watchful and prudent than I — a 30 year banker! This year we are two weeks away from completing a whole house remodel that we had said we would do 15 years ago when we purchased this old house — as Owner Builders.
We were down to studs and have been living in the office in the backyard with two cats since January. We are still married and happily in love.
I honestly now look upon the whole experience as if we found out that he was diagnosed with Cancer, went through the battle for his life, went into debt and both came out healed. I have the chance to live out the rest of my life with a husband whom I love and feel loved by. I have certainly learned from many here.
Mourning Doves - Diamond Dove Home Page
Thank you from the bottom of my heart; You gave me an important place to heal! Reply D December 22, at 5: I really was clueless during the whole thing. I was one of those who felt amazed at how perfect our relationship was and discovering she was having an affair was as devastating a feeling as I ever want to experience. I was pretty much out of commission for three or four months. I think I might have dealt with it better if it were only a PA. But her giving her heart to someone — even within an addictive state — is heart-wrenching.
It was how she reacted after the affair that really hit me. The withdrawal, the turning away from me, blaming me, that was worse. But it helped me be a stronger person. A friend of mine just found out his wife has been having an affair.
It breaks my heart. Part of the impetus to write this piece was to show that we as individuals can and will recover, but also I wanted to point out that as much as we might value or have valued our marriages, it is not what defines us.
I had to let my wife stand on her own merits without any help from me and see if there was something new between us to sustain our future together. It has definitely helped. Is this common after an EA? Reply D December 23, at Your husband created a habit for himself with the OW.
Depending on how honest he wants to be with himself, this withdrawal could take some time. She turned on me in a big way this was that dreaded Third month. Reply norrine fay February 11, at 9: I find I could deal with the affair although it was painful. It was the withdrawal, lack of empathy, mind games, emotionally cruelty and sarcastic comments that cut deep.
I could not understand it. Really all the post has allowed me to deal with this behaviour much better. Otherwise I would be still living in an emotional and confusing fog. Thank you so much.
Affair Recovery and the 7 Stages of Grief After an Affair
I am month 4 from DDay. We have been married for 18 years and she came forward after she got pregnant with his baby after 6 months of the PA. I have been kind, forgiving, and graceful, but that has not done a bit of good, though it may pay off later if she gets her head and heart right. She treats me the same just as you described…withdrawn, lack of empathy, emotionally cruel and treating me as if she is the betrayed spouse.
Just got past the 3rd month of agony and fighting depression, but just kept running to Jesus every time I felt it well up inside of me. Within a half day after the parents left, the chicks will become hungry and one by one they take their first flight to the ground, often far below.
The parents usually remain out of sight until the babies are on the ground then they will feed them. During the next few days the parents watch over the babies trying to protect them from predators as they improve their flying skills and learn to peck seeds on the ground.
The parents will also continue to feed them up to another 12 days after they left the nest. During that time the parents may rehabilitate their old nest and lay another clutch. Meanwhile the babies will stay nearby several more days unless frightened away. From the 6 to 8 eggs that are laid they will raise 5 to 6 young birds. Mourning doves do suffer a high mortality and studies have shown that between 50 and 70 percent will die within one year after hatching.
Some reports indicated that hunting mortality is insignificant and others indicate that hunting is responsible for taking the lives of 15 percent of the birds each year. While morning doves are one of the most abundant birds in the United States, data indicates that population levels are decreasing. As mentioned above doves often look for nesting sites on or near human residents apparently with the belief that such sites will offer protection from predators.
While many doves will establish their nests in trees and shrubs around suburban residences, others will look for sites such as planters, flower boxes, and flower pots. They prefer pots that are about half full of earth and are located underneath a porch or deck roof. Sometimes they will look for pots located on balconies of hi rise apartments. If you are are providing a pot for a dove and it is in not under a roof where it would be protected form rainfall, it should be only half filled with a very well drained soil or better yet twigs and straw so when it rains the water will drain out immediately.
Although doves like to find their own nesting material you may want to help and provide small twigs, grasses, pine straw, etc. Mourning dove babies just before fledging Thus if there is a heavy rain, the eggs will stand a better chance of remaining above any water that collects in the flower pot.
The dove can easily keep the eggs dry from water falling form above, but they are helpless against water that collects underneath them. They do this by making a small hole in the shell so a little egg yolk comes out and hardens. Then using the hardened protrusion, they can pick the egg up and fly it to a new location.
Another problem concerning mourning dove nests is the buildup of a population of external parasites such as lice and mites. When the wild doves leave their nest, Sevin 5 dust can be applied to the nest to kill any remaining lice or mites. If the doves were successful in raising their babies they will probably return to repair the nest and raise another clutch.
People ask about providing food and water near the nest site. It is generally recommended that if food or water are provided, it should be done far from the site - perhaps on the opposite side of the home. Food and water located near the nest may attract other predators. Other times doves will not select the most ideal nest site and sometimes will place their nesting material on window sills and other outward sloping ledges that provide a very insecure base.
Thus sometime after the eggs have been laid, the nest and eggs will fall to the ground. Undamaged eggs can often be picked up and placed in some kind of nest container located in a more suitable location as long as it is not too far away from the original nest. Often the parents are slow to come back to their eggs, but by nightfall they usually come around. To avoid having nests located in undesirable situations, home owners can assist doves by leaving vacant flower pots in suitable locations i.
They can also construct nest containers that can be attached to trees close to their home. The method of making a nest container is described further down this page.The journey through loss and grief - Jason B. Rosenthal
Home owners can assist doves in nest building by constructing a nest container as outlined below and then either attaching it to a nearby tree or to a house.
Obtain a square foot of construction cloth for each nest to be made. Cut a circle out of the cloth having a six inch radius 3. Make a six inch cut from the outside edge of the circle to the center of the circle. Mount the cone on a tree or building with roofing nails, staples, or wire. Modify the shape as needed so the cone will stay upright when attached to the tree.
Turn down the edge of the cone so it is rounded and there will be no sharp ends that would injure the parents or their baby birds. If possible locate the container where it is shielded from the elements and would not be visible by a hawk flying overhead or a crow flying nearby.
You might also put a few sticks and twigs inside the cone and then let the birds do the rest. Some people have purchased small wicker baskets for nest containers and wired them to trees or other appropriate locations.
If you want to go further you could also provide a bird feeder and a water source but do not place these items near the nest as they may attract predators. Mourning dove in a conical nest - look closely Angie Ross, who lives near Fresno, California, constructed this nest because blue jays and other birds were bothering the doves that had been nesting on the top of her air conditioner for years.
Once the nest was in place the dove quickly saw the advantages of the location and soon moved in.
Affair Recovery and the 7 Stages of Grief After an Affair
The location is ideal because the roof over the nest protects the doves from wind and rain and in addition the nest is invisible to high flying birds like crows, jays, and hawks. Even from below or from the side the doves can hardly be seen because the nest is so close to the roof. The only disadvantage of a nest like this that I can see is that one would not be able to get good photographs of the doves and their babies.
The Migratory Bird Act and Other Regulations The following sections involve activities that may be in violation of the Migratory Bird Treaty Act ofits several amendments, and associated state laws unless the necessary permits area obtained. In general the act prohibits the taking, killing or possessing migratory birds listed.
See the federal Fish and Wildlife Service's web sites for additional information or contact a U. Fish and Wildlife Service office. You also may want to contact your state department of natural resources office.
I offer the information below as I believe the act's intent is to protect bird populations and that by saving a birds life one is conforming to the spirit of act. Law enforcement personnel or a judge may or may not agree. Moving An Existing Nest to a New Location A number of people have written in about their need to move an existing nest containing eggs or babies to a new location.
Usually this happens with the doves select a nest site near or on someone's home and repairs to the home are scheduled before the eggs hatch and the baby doves fledge. And even if the babies do leave the nest before the repair work is to start, the doves will often return within a week to start the next clutch.